He has an eyebrow piercing to show off now. must be why the pics were taken. when i 1st seen, i almost died... cuz BIG_Bouncer has same piercing. (i am pretty sure Brian is BIG_Bouncer but is using a friend's pics to fake the profile.) is Brian trying to tell me something non-verbally? is it a clue? a clue that is too complicated to explain except that he now has the same piercing that BIG's pics show. who knows? but that is what it "feels" like to me.
but even so, as always, he is gorgeous. movie star gorgeous. pretty smile. so gorgeous & brilliant he is intimidating. sigh. he makes my heart ache. sometimes hurts to look at his pics, brings tears to my eyes. i talk to his pics!! when they start talking back, then i will know i need to be admitted to the looney bin.
when i look at his pics & attempt to comprehend who he is, i think i must be nutz to even consider that i am interacting with him in virtuality, let alone making love with him or carrying his baby. WOW! that last thought is particularly good at disorienting me. i know i am coping with the understanding cuz i really dont comprehend it.
i am hopelessly in love with a man i have never met for real. that sounds strange, right? but maybe not... 100 yrs ago men sent letters to women they had never met in order to make a connection before actually meeting. some even fell in love just from those letters. some even travelled thousands of miles to meet & marry them. maybe our current day idea that love can only happen after you have met a person face to face is rubbish. maybe i am not the crazy one, but the ones that insist you can only know after verifying their reality.
another troubling issue -- he has so many profiles. Brian is known as a forum whore & they even know which ones he is. Fuckwad! LOL! definitely his humor. read his Chaos comic panels & you will get a sense of his humor. i love to laugh & anyone that makes me laugh -- i adore. so not surprising that i love this guy. but c'mon! all the profiles?? why? how can he even keep up?? and do you suppose he goes around pretending to get other gals pregnant too?? Dunno. but if he does, i would be devastated. its hard to believe his fake profile when he tells me i am the only one he pretends that with. (i want to respond with... yeah right, you are using a fake profile so that means i can believe the BS you are unloading on me? puleeezzzz credit me with more intelligence than that.)
...so, its hard to be too serious about it when it's all happening virtually. and then i get frustrated when i know its him using an "other" profile... cuz i have this insatiable desire to REALLY know the REAL Brian Shuster. but even that is suspicious... his name i mean... initials are BS -- sounds like BS humor to me! more likely a pen name based on his real name. but when you add in his middle name (Marcus) initial, its gets even more surreal. BMS!! BMs!! c'mon, seriously?? puleezzz!! i am sure he created his pen name almost 20 yrs ago & knowing his humor, his pen name is purposeful! i am also betting he has made sure that no "real" stuff about himself is anywhere on the web. maybe Brian REALLY is married. dunno. so... WHAT IS his real name?
best case scenario is i know the real him as much as possible through his many profiles & our interactions virtually. this is horrible to admit, but i find his temper (anger outbursts) to be spectacular. like fireworks! sometimes i wonder if i subconsciously provoke him to see the fireworks. yes, the fireworks are generally painful, but it represents the most genuine personality trait i have been able to see... 'cept for maybe his latest incarnation as Massive_AL.
WHEW! that one is hell bent on my seduction in every moment. and it works! how can i resist him with his comments about our baby and stroking my belly... drawing faces on my belly even. now THAT is a real combination of his parents coming out. have i mentioned that i am in love with his parents too? ahahaha! its insane but true! i am! never have i felt this way for another person's parents! in fact... my love for them influences my love for him. i want to know them as much as i want to know him! incredible huh? i bet there isnt ANYONE in all of UV social center, world, or forum that can genuinely make that statement!!
for all that others claim to know him, they really dont. his forum personalities are the "actor" in him. so those peeps in there may think they know him, but they are just getting the zany Brian. the fake Brian. the indefatigable, strong, tough Brian. i know that i know that i know that they dont know the Brian i know. the tender, sweet, romantic, vulnerable, achingly beautiful Brian! the Brian that often leaves me without words due to the love ache he gives me. i cant even express with words or actions just how touched i am. that is when i feel inadequate for him, cuz he deserves to know how incredibly special and wonderful and brilliant and amazing he is!
as for charity & empathy... i would say those are his weak points. he perceives me as emotionally strong, so doesnt hesitate to throw the "chit" at me. but i am no different than anyone else... i am hurt & offended when he mistreats me. he wears me down emotionally. each recovery time takes longer & there is less tolerance for the next time. he makes comments about how he is helping someone (usually a female) who is dealing with an emotional situation after he has committed something emotionally negative on me. it makes me so resentful that he gives to others (if he really does) the compassion that i so desire. grrrrrrr....
the anger side balances a lot of the softer stuff & is more likely to be visible than the other. the fireworks side includes the vindictive, payback, mean, snide attributes. its not pleasant to be on the receiving end of those, let me tell you. but all in all, i respect the man. you cant help but respect Brian! and that is why everyone wants a piece of him for one reason or the other. he is just so lovable in so many ways! crazy, zany, vindictive, sweet Brian... we all love him in one way or another. must be nice to be him! :))
i have even got so i recognize his modus operandi. i can usually trace back a negative incidence to another incidence in which he didnt like my response. he is all about getting his own way. he will not take no for an answer. and dont expect him to answer questions he doesnt want to answer. he will act like you didnt even ask them or else change the subject so smoothly that you wont realize until later that you have been successfully negotiated away from what he doesnt want to answer.
at times he has mentioned he thinks i am stupid for not "understanding" who he is when he is using an "other" profile. he thinks i dont get it when he uses pop-ups or boots me from world. c'mon... he knows i have done my research & is fully aware he invented the pop-up ad. so no i am not stupid... his object lessons have come through loud and clear. but that is not the point, i want him to tell me of his own free will that its him using another profile. why? cuz its important to HIM to tell me. cuz when he does THAT, then i will know he is serious and wants to get REAL in REAL. until he does that, i despair that its all just a game for him.
but in the end, there is still something missing. there is just something you dont get in virtuality that can only be experienced in reality. but meeting him for REAL?? would i be able to do it? he would have to surprise me in order to accomplish it. if planned, i would be such a nervous wreck by the time he got here, he would have to meet & visit me in the looney bin. thats how i am....
gotta go for now!
2) 8/24/09 -- committed virtual suicide last night (8/23/09) --
I shall never forget that I received 6 months vip and a virtual diamond engagement ring on my first RLC birthday (8/18/09).
Who gives such a virtual gift?? Who can afford to give such a gift in virtual reality?? The real U.S. dollar value of this level 8 gift in 8/2009 is greater than $160.
Can you imagine?? Given to ME !! And from who else ?? (big smiles) Brian !! Oh yes, he used one of his "other" profiles (Massive_AL) to give the gift, but I know who it really came from.
I was ever never so happy in all my life... real or virtual !! But only two nights later, he put me on ignore and completely devastated me. I am sure he knew I couldnt help but put all the pieces together. And when I did, he knew it would inevitably lead to me asking questions & making assumptions. I mean, after all, why wouldnt I think I was now engaged to Brian Marcus Shuster (assuming that is his real name). Perhaps ignoring me WAS was motivated by a need to be vengeful but also by the realization that I have not minced any words in expressing my negativity at various times about him as Brian. But all this is his own fault. He has been continuously deceptive.
And what did I want? I wanted him to give me assurance that he has been Brian all along. That he really is the man I have loved in so many ways as so many different avatars. Of course, my fav is BIG_Bouncer, whom he deliberately set up to make irresistible to me & yet off-limits. How my heart broke for the wonderfully gorgeous, awesomely straight & honest Martijn ten Brink. I would still give anything to belong to BIG_Bouncer. I have never been able to successfully identify BIG_Bouncer as Brian in my mind and heart. Brian as BIG_Bouncer is truly the man of my dreams. And Brian thinks he is boring !! ahahaha ... yes, but he is my type of boring, I guess. BIG_Bouncer is still around but will barely have a conversation with me. My belief is Brian knows that if he allowed BIG to have a real convo with me like at the beginning that I would know BIG is Brian. Its too much risk to take sullying the only avatar of his that I fully respect & honor & believe & trust as well as love.
Well enough of that, in an effort to save the relationship with Massive_AL, I took steps to talk to him. There was no effort made on Al's part to recover the relationship. But then, why would there be? Brian has a million profiles & if it doesnt work with one, there are always 999,999 more to try with me. I find that horrific in a way. There is no way you can do that in real life. And it implies that he has no intention, EVER, of meeting me in real life. Heart-breaking for sure. Its like being constantly tormented that you will never get to be with the love of your life for real. And that virtual is all that you will ever have & it will never be allowed to be long-term.
After a couple hours of discussion, Al had to leave world for an hour, but he was not gone for an hour. I left when he left. When I noticed he was back in world, I opened yahoo messenger, which had been a bone of contention, to accept Al's request for add. He immediately PMed me. He was in world, helping a friend whose marriage was ending after 8 months. She was crying he said. I found that so offensive. Did he care that I had cried over us after he put me on ignore.
It was obvious he was lying about helping a friend. Hadn't I heard these tall tales many times & even checked them out on occasion to find him lying. And the lying made it impossible to ignore that I was dealing with Brian again. And to be perfectly honest, I dont trust Brian virtually. I dont know if I do in real life or not. I have never met him in real life.
The lying made up my mind. When I make up my mind, there is no turning back for me. After thinking about the consequences & whether I could live with them and whether I could live with accepting how things were, I ended it with Massive_AL. I had already given him almost all my rays (200R) to begin payback of the 6 months vip. There was action behind my words. And so, the yahoo PM degenerated into a horrible mean session. At the end, he attempted to right things by telling me that he still loved me, but by that point ... it was not believable. He was angry. I was angry. And virtual anger does not translate well into the real world. So no matter IF we truly did love one another, we had hurt each other quite effectively in a very real way. We have scars.
I removed him from yahoo messenger. I disabled all my profiles. I uninstalled all Utherverse-related software on both computers. I sent a message to Massive_AL letting him know it was done & I was gone. Now I am in that time of grief & mourning. I have to be strong enough to not download the basic software again. Only time will tell how I weather this crisis. And crisis it is. I do love Brian, but we cant continue this way.
3) 06/06/09 -- I love & adore Brian because he is or has or we have --
- a brilliant, genius mind (wowzer!) -- he claims he is lazy, which supposedly explains why he is so creative (yes, he IS an inventor)
- fantastic sense of humor (see Chaos comicstrip)
- an impressive businessman (ruthless at time) -- everything he touches turns to gold!
- common interests & personalities (we seem similar)
- pursued me all through Utherverse with seemingly unending profiles & variations on his personality -- with love / devotion / caring as common thread / expression (follow this thread below)
- willingness to share his negative side, which has been intimidating to say the least, but extremely thrilling (yikes! he is like a volcano!)
- he is handsome at all ages & expressions -- i love all his pictures
- but overall big picture is that he is so sweet he makes my heart ache in a good way when i am around him
- i want to be near him all the time, if he will let me
- he forgives me even when i have been abominable & lets me express my frustrations
- gbilly / woeful / thonga / simply_the_best / BIG_Bouncer / DJ_Huberto / Sergio_Tiger (aka MR_TIGER) / Suggerdadi / Charly6 / RUDEBOY / Mr_Darcy_PP / Luv4Sale / gangster_of_love / KNIGHT_WARRIOR / _VanMorrison_ / Pero / cabrao / Night4Owl / ziazia / Sugar_Magnolia /
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